Got to love old people

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him
a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 45 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture two more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the
little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we have no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'



(It pays to be careful around old people !!!!)

It was a Blonde Thanksgiving

Subject: Blonde's Thanksgiving!

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional
feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She
told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, SHE WAS BLONDE!

The Eagles win the Super Bowl, but

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another
hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've
got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed
as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants,
all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You
are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r*p*d!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you
for making us move to Philadelphia!

THE OLD MAN AND HIS GRANDSON WITH 5 DEGREES

-- THE OLD MAN AND HIS GRANDSON WITH 5 DEGREES

A Old Man and his Grandson who has 5 degrees from Harvard went camping for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, The old man woke up and said "Sonny, look towards the sky, what to you see?”

The Well Educated Grandson replies, “I see millions of stars”,

“What that tell you?” asked The Grandfather.

The Genius Grandson ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

“What does it tell you, Gramps?”

The Grandfater is silent for a moment, and then says,

“Son!!! you dumber than Shit.”

"It means someone stole the tent!”

Dallas Police Force

The Dallas Police are cracking down on speeders in Dallas ..

For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get
stopped a second time, they make you use them.



Q.What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A..The Dallas Cowboys

Q.What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?

A.Put up a goal post.

Q.What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?

A.Old

Q.What's the difference between the Dallas
Cowboys and a dollar bill?

A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Dr Ned

(I Stole this from My Cousins Facebook Page)--

Doctor Ned had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,... reassuring voice in his head that said, 'Ned, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Ned.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: Ned...............You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.

The New Preacher on his 1st Day

New Preacher

A new preacher at his first sermon was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the sermon, he asked one of the older preachers how he had done. The old preacher said, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So the next Sunday he took the preacher’s advice. At the beguining of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office, he found a note from the Bishop on his door…

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3. There were 2 Disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus as the ‘late J.C.’

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as the big ‘T’!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my flesh”, he did not say, “Eat Me.”

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for he grub. Yeah God!”