Monday, December 26, 2011

The 12 Days After Christmas

We always knew about the 12 Days Of Christmas

Well now lets all learn about what happened on 'The 12 Days AFTER Christmas'

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Purina Diet

I was at Winn Dixie buying a large bag of Purina for Lola my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way It works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Plumber

The Plumber!!!

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thanksgiving Tradition

Thanksgiving Tradition

Saw this somewhere

I'll begin by saying my family is not religious . However, one Thanksgiving, to please some religious guests that were invited over for Turkey Dinner, my Grandma asked my then 4 year old sister to say Grace. Looking confused she stood up proudly and said "Grace."

Since then, we all say "Grace" every thanksgiving right before we eat!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Oh Why Did You Die?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.
You must have been very close"

The mourner said "No I never met him"

The first mans said, "You never met him and you carry on like this? Why?"

The mourner said "He is My wife’s first husband."

Monday, September 12, 2011

Abbott and Costello in 2011

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?'
might have turned out something like this:
 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and 
I'm thinking about buying a computer.
 COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
 ABBOTT: Your computer?
 COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
 ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
 COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
 ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
 COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
 track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
 ABBOTT: I just did.
 COSTELLO: You just did what?
 ABBOTT: Recommend something.
 COSTELLO: You recommended something?
 COSTELLO: For my office?
 COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
 ABBOTT: Office.
 COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
 ABBOTT: I just did.
 COSTELLO: You just did what?
 ABBOTT: Recommend something.
 COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
 COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
 ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
 ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
 COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
 ABBOTT: Word.
 COSTELLO: What word?
 ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
 COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
 ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
 COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you
don't start with some straight answers.
COSTELLO: What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything
I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
 COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
 ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
 ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
 COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
 ABBOTT: Yes.  At no extra charge.
 COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
 ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
 ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy
 COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
 (A few days later)
 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
 ABBOTT: Click on 'START'