Saturday, January 29, 2011

Travel Warning.

The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:

Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing..gloves and hat
24 hours worth of food
Rock Salt
Road Flares
Full spare gas can
First aid kit
Booster cables

I tried to comply, but they wouldn't let me on the plane.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f*#%*^d up your hair?"

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Mailman's Last Day

>>After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire.
>>When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
>>At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

>>The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
>>At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All of this was just too wonderful for words”, he said; “But what’s the dollar for”?
“Well”, she said, “Yesterday Morning, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”