Monday, December 26, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way It works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
I'm thinking about buying a computer.
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
don't start with some straight answers.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Stolen from Monteca Scamalot
Two guys are sitting in a bar on the 20th floor of a hotel the first guy slams a shot of tequila and jumps out the window. the second guy watches in amazement but then continues drinking. 5 minutes later the first guy walks back in and sits down like nothing happened. The second guy walks over to him and asks how the hell he survived the fall.
The first guy says, "I don't know every time I slam a shot of tequila and jump out the window I slow down before I hit the ground and land softly on my feet." Again, the first guy slams a shot of tequila and jumps out the window and sure enough he slows down right before he hits the ground and lands softly on his feet. The second guy, after seeing this, he decides to try this so he slams a shot of tequila and jumps out the window but he doesn't slow down, and splat!! He dies.
The first guy walks over to the bartender and asks for another drink. The bartender says to him, "You know, you're a real asshole when your drunk, Superman."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who f*#%*^d up your hair?"