The Perfect Christmas Gift.

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ......" The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Breaking News-Christmas Has been Cancelled

A Sensitive Man.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.

The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe
properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to
their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and

will make delivery that much easier."

Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember --

You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor."

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf
bag while we walk??"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!

How is your day going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with
the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some asshole shows up and drinks the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Father of one of my Children

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and tell him hello...

He's rather taken back, because he knows her but can't place where he knows her from.

So he says "Do you and I know each other?"

She replies "I think you are the father of one of my children."

With his thoughts in a whirlwind, he thinks back to the one time he had ever been unfaithful and says...
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, and oh yea, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

The smile on her face dropped as she said, "No, I am your son's math teacher!"

Got to love old people

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him
a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 45 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture two more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the
little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we have no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'



(It pays to be careful around old people !!!!)

It was a Blonde Thanksgiving

Subject: Blonde's Thanksgiving!

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional
feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She
told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, SHE WAS BLONDE!

The Eagles win the Super Bowl, but

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another
hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've
got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed
as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants,
all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You
are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r*p*d!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you
for making us move to Philadelphia!

THE OLD MAN AND HIS GRANDSON WITH 5 DEGREES

-- THE OLD MAN AND HIS GRANDSON WITH 5 DEGREES

A Old Man and his Grandson who has 5 degrees from Harvard went camping for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, The old man woke up and said "Sonny, look towards the sky, what to you see?”

The Well Educated Grandson replies, “I see millions of stars”,

“What that tell you?” asked The Grandfather.

The Genius Grandson ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

“What does it tell you, Gramps?”

The Grandfater is silent for a moment, and then says,

“Son!!! you dumber than Shit.”

"It means someone stole the tent!”

Dallas Police Force

The Dallas Police are cracking down on speeders in Dallas ..

For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get
stopped a second time, they make you use them.



Q.What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A..The Dallas Cowboys

Q.What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?

A.Put up a goal post.

Q.What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?

A.Old

Q.What's the difference between the Dallas
Cowboys and a dollar bill?

A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Dr Ned

(I Stole this from My Cousins Facebook Page)--

Doctor Ned had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,... reassuring voice in his head that said, 'Ned, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Ned.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: Ned...............You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.

The New Preacher on his 1st Day

New Preacher

A new preacher at his first sermon was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the sermon, he asked one of the older preachers how he had done. The old preacher said, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So the next Sunday he took the preacher’s advice. At the beguining of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office, he found a note from the Bishop on his door…

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3. There were 2 Disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus as the ‘late J.C.’

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as the big ‘T’!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my flesh”, he did not say, “Eat Me.”

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for he grub. Yeah God!”

Bob The Chicken

Bob the Chicken

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home...

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

"BOB, wake up! You s#it the bed!"

Intelligent Conversation

>A MAN GETS ON A PLANE AND SITS NEXT TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND TURNS TO HER.

TO MAKE HIS MOVE, AND SAYS TO HER "YOU KNOW, I'VE HEARD THAT FLIGHTS GO FASTER IF STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FELLOW PASSENGER, SO LETS TALK!!

>THE WOMAN WHO HAD JUST OPENED A BOOK CLOSED IT AND SLOWLY TURNED TO HIM AND SAID "OK WHAT SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT IT?"

>HE SAID "I DON'T KNOW, HOW ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER?"

>THE WOMAN SAYS "OK THAT SHOULD BE AN INTERESTING TOPIC, BUT FIRST LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION?"

A HORSE, A DEER AND A COW ALL EAT THE SAME THING (GRASS)! YET THE DEER EXTRACTS LITTLE PELLETS

THE COW TURNS OUT PATTYS, AND THE HORSE MUFFINS OF DRIED POOP!

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT IS?"

>THE GUY IS DUMBFOUNDED AND FINALLY SAYS "I HAVE NO IDEA"

>SHE SAYS "SO TELL ME HOW IS IT THAT YOU FEEL QUALIFIED TO DISCUSS

NUCLEAR POWER WHEN (YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT)"?

The Best Way to Annoy Your Neighbors

Ways to annoy your Neighbor

Get a 10 million megawatt Christmas display, set it up and light it the day after Thanksgiving.

Paint your house glow-in-the-dark green

Get a universal remote, hide outside their window, and change TV channels at random.

Put Jell-o mix in their pool

Fill out one of those change of address forms for them at the post office

Subscribe to 300 trial magazine subscriptions using THEIR NAMES

Next time the Jehovah's Witnesses knock on your door, tell them, "My neighbors are *very* interested. They'll be happy to talk to you!"

Re-paint their house for them. . . in plaid.

http://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHME_enUS350US350&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=Top+207+Tops+Ways+To+Irritate+Your+Neighbors+By+the+Keeper