Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Dr Ned

(I Stole this from My Cousins Facebook Page)--

Doctor Ned had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,... reassuring voice in his head that said, 'Ned, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Ned.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: Ned...............You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The New Preacher on his 1st Day

New Preacher

A new preacher at his first sermon was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the sermon, he asked one of the older preachers how he had done. The old preacher said, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So the next Sunday he took the preacher’s advice. At the beguining of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office, he found a note from the Bishop on his door…

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3. There were 2 Disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus as the ‘late J.C.’

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as the big ‘T’!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my flesh”, he did not say, “Eat Me.”

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for he grub. Yeah God!”