Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Perfect Christmas Gift.

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ......" The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Sensitive Man.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.

The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe
properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to
their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and

will make delivery that much easier."

Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember --

You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor."

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf
bag while we walk??"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How is your day going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with
the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some asshole shows up and drinks the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Father of one of my Children

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and tell him hello...

He's rather taken back, because he knows her but can't place where he knows her from.

So he says "Do you and I know each other?"

She replies "I think you are the father of one of my children."

With his thoughts in a whirlwind, he thinks back to the one time he had ever been unfaithful and says...
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, and oh yea, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

The smile on her face dropped as she said, "No, I am your son's math teacher!"

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Got to love old people

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him
a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 45 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture two more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the
little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we have no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

(It pays to be careful around old people !!!!)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It was a Blonde Thanksgiving

Subject: Blonde's Thanksgiving!

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She
told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!