The 12 Days After Christmas

We always knew about the 12 Days Of Christmas

Well now lets all learn about what happened on 'The 12 Days AFTER Christmas'

The Purina Diet

I was at Winn Dixie buying a large bag of Purina for Lola my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way It works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

The Plumber

The Plumber!!!

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

--

Thanksgiving Tradition

Thanksgiving Tradition

Saw this somewhere

I'll begin by saying my family is not religious . However, one Thanksgiving, to please some religious guests that were invited over for Turkey Dinner, my Grandma asked my then 4 year old sister to say Grace. Looking confused she stood up proudly and said "Grace."

Since then, we all say "Grace" every thanksgiving right before we eat!

How The Tin Man Got His Heart

Warms your Heart! Doesn't It?

Oh Why Did You Die?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.

You must have been very close"

The mourner said "No I never met him"

The first mans said, "You never met him and you carry on like this? Why?"

The mourner said "He is My wife’s first husband."

Abbott and Costello in 2011

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,

their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?'

might have turned out something like this:

 

COSTELLO CALLS TO
BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and 
I'm thinking about buying a computer. 

 ABBOTT: Mac?

 COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

 ABBOTT: Your computer?

 COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

 ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

 COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

 ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

 COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 ABBOTT: I just did.

 COSTELLO: You just did what?

 ABBOTT: Recommend something.

 COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: For my office?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

 ABBOTT: Office.

 COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 ABBOTT: I just did.

 COSTELLO: You just did what?

 ABBOTT: Recommend something.

 COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

 ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

 ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

 COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

 ABBOTT: Word.

 COSTELLO: What word?

 ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

 ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

 COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you
don't start with some straight answers.

COSTELLO: What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything

I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

 ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

 ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

 ABBOTT: Yes.  At no extra charge.

 COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

 ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

 ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy
Money.

 COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

 (A few days later)

 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

 ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

Frozen Crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

2 Guys Sitting at a Bar

Stolen from Monteca Scamalot

Two guys are sitting in a bar on the 20th floor of a hotel the first guy slams a shot of tequila and jumps out the window. the second guy watches in amazement but then continues drinking. 5 minutes later the first guy walks back in and sits down like nothing happened. The second guy walks over to him and asks how the hell he survived the fall.

The first guy says, "I don't know every time I slam a shot of tequila and jump out the window I slow down before I hit the ground and land softly on my feet." Again, the first guy slams a shot of tequila and jumps out the window and sure enough he slows down right before he hits the ground and lands softly on his feet. The second guy, after seeing this, he decides to try this so he slams a shot of tequila and jumps out the window but he doesn't slow down, and splat!! He dies.

The first guy walks over to the bartender and asks for another drink. The bartender says to him, "You know, you're a real asshole when your drunk, Superman."

Travel Warning.

The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing..gloves and hat
24 hours worth of food
De-icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight
Road Flares
Full spare gas can
First aid kit
Booster cables

I tried to comply, but they wouldn't let me on the plane.

Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to

Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,

who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who f*#%*^d up your hair?"

Mailman's Last Day

>>After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire.

>>When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

>>At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

>>The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

>>At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All of this was just too wonderful for words”, he said; “But what’s the dollar for”?

“Well”, she said, “Yesterday Morning, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”