Bob The Chicken

Bob the Chicken

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home...

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

"BOB, wake up! You s#it the bed!"

Intelligent Conversation

>A MAN GETS ON A PLANE AND SITS NEXT TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND TURNS TO HER.

TO MAKE HIS MOVE, AND SAYS TO HER "YOU KNOW, I'VE HEARD THAT FLIGHTS GO FASTER IF STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FELLOW PASSENGER, SO LETS TALK!!

>THE WOMAN WHO HAD JUST OPENED A BOOK CLOSED IT AND SLOWLY TURNED TO HIM AND SAID "OK WHAT SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT IT?"

>HE SAID "I DON'T KNOW, HOW ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER?"

>THE WOMAN SAYS "OK THAT SHOULD BE AN INTERESTING TOPIC, BUT FIRST LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION?"

A HORSE, A DEER AND A COW ALL EAT THE SAME THING (GRASS)! YET THE DEER EXTRACTS LITTLE PELLETS

THE COW TURNS OUT PATTYS, AND THE HORSE MUFFINS OF DRIED POOP!

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT IS?"

>THE GUY IS DUMBFOUNDED AND FINALLY SAYS "I HAVE NO IDEA"

>SHE SAYS "SO TELL ME HOW IS IT THAT YOU FEEL QUALIFIED TO DISCUSS

NUCLEAR POWER WHEN (YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT)"?

The Best Way to Annoy Your Neighbors

Ways to annoy your Neighbor

Get a 10 million megawatt Christmas display, set it up and light it the day after Thanksgiving.

Paint your house glow-in-the-dark green

Get a universal remote, hide outside their window, and change TV channels at random.

Put Jell-o mix in their pool

Fill out one of those change of address forms for them at the post office

Subscribe to 300 trial magazine subscriptions using THEIR NAMES

Next time the Jehovah's Witnesses knock on your door, tell them, "My neighbors are *very* interested. They'll be happy to talk to you!"

Re-paint their house for them. . . in plaid.

http://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHME_enUS350US350&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=Top+207+Tops+Ways+To+Irritate+Your+Neighbors+By+the+Keeper

It's Been a Rough Year, But

It's been a rough year, but I made it.


But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

The economy is so bad that I got a

pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and

the kid behind the counter asked,

"Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked

"Insufficient Funds," you have to call

them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are

trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are

firing their nannies and learning their

children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught

sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the

Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The

guy who made $50 Billion disappear is

being investigated by the people who

made $1.5 Trillion disappear !

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking

about the economy, wars, jobs, my

savings, Social Security, retirement

funds, and our bleak future, that I called

the Suicide Lifeline and was connected

to a call center in Pakistan.

When I told them I was suicidal, they

got all excited, and asked if I could drive

a truck.

Shocking Similarities between Elvis and JFK,

I found this and thought the world should know.

I've been digging around in the online references and have found some startling similarities between John Kennedy and Elvis Presley. Let me illuminate you...

John Fitzgerald Kennedy has three names.
Elvis Aron Presley also has three names.
Both names are, amazingly, comprised of consonants AND vowels.

Kennedy was born in 1917, and died in 1963.
Elvis was born in 1935, and died in 1977.
All 4 years have EXACTLY 4 digits.


Kennedy was 'The President'.
Elvis was 'The King'.


Kennedy commanded a PT-Boat in the Pacific for the Navy.
Elvis drove a truck in West Germany for the Army.


Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
Lincoln was the name of the President during the Civil War.
During the Civil War, there was Colonels.
'The Colonel' was the nick-name of Elvis's manager, Tom Parker.

Kennedy married a woman named Jacqueline Bouvier.
She later remarried a Greek named Onassis, one of the richest men in the world.
Elvis married a woman named Priscilla Beaulieu.
Their daughter married a geek named Jackson, one of the richest uh... PERSONs in the world. Jackson was also Greek... at heart. (i.e.: he liked little boys)

Kennedy approved the 'Bay of Pigs' invasion.
Elvis regularly invaded Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Kennedy's face is stamped into the American Half-Dollar.
Elvis's face is tatooed on some white-trash woman's fat ass in Mississippi.

And the most startling coincidence of all...

Kennedy died in DALLAS.


Elvis died on the TOILET.

Heartbreaking Story about Tickets to the Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Remembering the Original Hollywood Squares

Another Great One I Got From Becky

YOU TALK ABOUT AD-LIBBING READ THIS! FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A... Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency... Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty... Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.

Best Excuse for Speeding, Ever

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard-- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

My First Time

MY FIRST TIME

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THE SKY WAS DARK

THE MOON WAS HIGH

ALL ALONE

JUST HER AND I

HER HAIR WAS SOFT

HER EYES SO BLUE

I KNEW JUST WHAT

SHE WANTED TO DO

HER SKIN SO SOFT

HER LEGS SO FINE

I RAN MY FINGERS

DOWN HER SPINE

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW

BUT I TRIED MY BEST

TO PLACE MY HAND

ON HER BREASTS

I REMEMBER MY FEAR

MY FAST BEATING HEART

BUT SLOWLY SHE SPREAD

HER LEGS APART

AND WHEN SHE DID IT

I FELT NO SHAME

ALL AT ONCE

THE WHITE STUFF CAME

AT LAST IT'S FINISHED

IT'S ALL OVER NOW

MY FIRST TIME

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MILKING A COW..

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